How to Prevent a Child's Temper Tantrums
The best way to handle a tantrum is to prevent it from happening.Most "experts" say a tantrum is a phase that the child will grow out of, relegating it to the trash heap of things we cannot do anything about.With some effort, we can at least try.
Steps
- Maintain daily routines. Toddlers and preschoolers need to feel comfortable and secure, and they do not deal well with unpredictability. Keep things predictable by setting regular bedtimes and mealtimes. Hunger and sleepiness are probably the most common triggers of tantrums, and these can largely be avoided by keeping a regular schedule. Try to wean toddlers off unscheduled naps, and minimize the occurrence of extended absences from familiar surroundings.
- Prepare your child for changes. Obviously, you can’t keep the same routine forever. Make sure you give your child plenty of warning and explanation well in advance of significant changes, e.g., his first day of preschool, and prepare him for smaller changes, as well. For example, if you’ve spent the afternoon at the swimming pool, let your child know you will be leaving in 15 minutes. Soften the uncomfortable blow of abrupt changes in environment or activities by giving the child time to adjust. Also, prepare your child for difficulties before he or she tries some new activity. A child may expect be able to take on the world, but when it comes down to it, they have trouble doing most new tasks. Explain a given activity is difficult and may require many attempts, and be patient if the child becomes frustrated.
- Be firm. If a child senses he can sway your decisions or coerce you with tantrums, it is reasonable for the child to use tantrums to get his way. Make sure your child knows you make the decisions, and don’t change your mind in response to bad behavior.
- Choose your battles. Before you deny a child’s request, ask yourself whether the request may indeed be reasonable. Does your son want a pre-dinner snack if dinner’s running a little late? Why not give it to him? You may avoid a tantrum, and besides, he just may be really hungry. Don’t try to enforce rules just for the sake of rules, but analyze the situation before you make a decision. Once you make the decision don’t back down.
- Give your child choices. Beginning in the toddler years, children seek increasing autonomy, and if they feel as though they have no control over their lives tantrums may ensue. While you can’t reasonably give young children much independence, you can offer them simple choices so they can feel more in control. For example, at breakfast, give your child a choice between oatmeal and cereal. Make sure either choice you give is acceptable to you, and avoid asking open-ended questions such as, “What would you like for breakfast?” You may get an unreasonable answer, and then be forced to deny the child his choice.
- Pay attention. Children need a lot of attention, and if they don’t get enough they will seek more. You’ve probably heard “even bad attention is better than no attention,” and for children this is true. Make sure to spend plenty of time with your child and to be responsive to his or her basic needs for food, shelter, and comfort. If a child tends to react to a particular item, preventing related tantrums is as easy as keeping the item out of his or her mind.
- Even though you want your child(ren) to control/prevent a tantrum from happening, remember that you were once a kid, too, just like them.
Tips
- No one really teaches you how to raise a child. You figure it out by "instinct", or reading books and nothing guarantees a specific outcome.
- Tantrums occur when good communication and good control have already long gone out the window.The primary reason children throw temper tantrums is because they are fighting for their independence, to control their own bodies, their own space and motions, and their right to own or acquire things. These are instinctive rights built into all human beings.
- Raising a child takes a tremendous amount of patience, repetition and presence. You want to teach the child to be in control of him/herself so you don't have to, within the realms of safety.
- A child that throws tantrums has become confused on the subject of control. The build up of frustration has reached a boiling point and finally explodes as a tantrum.
- Good, positive control demonstrated by the parent, communication and understanding practiced in early life will prevent the phenomena known as a tantrum. By the age of 6, the child starts to change the external guidance system (parents) to the internal guidance system (conscience).
- Learning self-control is a monumental task, but as the child progresses, tantrums will become rarer and rarer.
- Children need positive and negative reinforcement.
- Never reprimand your child when you are upset by what they did. Calm and call them afterwards, explaining the situation. If need be, let them pass judgment.
Warnings
- Don't frequently rely on providing a distraction for a young child. Teach the child not to throw tantrums, and he will more quickly develop other coping mechanisms.
- Don't cave in just to avoid embarrassment, which also teaches the child to perform for a crowd. Although parents feel as though all eyes are on them, when their child acts up in public, the reality is most onlookers are saying, "Go for it," when they see parents setting reasonable limits for their child.
- Never surrender to your child's temper tantrums at home. Learn to handle them at home, and you will have fewer occasions to be embarrassed in a public place.
- Never hit a child, or become physically or emotionally violent in response to a tantrum. Children need a comforting presence to help them exit tantrums, and violence produces exactly the opposite effect. Most importantly, becoming violent will teach a child violence is an appropriate response to stress.
- If your child begins hitting or causing damage during the tantrum, simply pick the child up in a firm, non-violent manner and place the child in their room. If the language capabilities are up to it, let the child know they can rejoin the family when they have decided to talk things out instead of throwing the tantrum. Don't tell the child to "be quiet", or "calm down" as this just represses emotion and causes unexpressed anger to build up over time. Simply separate them from others, in a safe environment, until they have decided to handle things rationally.
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